Last year on Thanksgiving, I gave up going to Chicago to see my brother and his girlfriend with my parents to stay home with Asshat and his kids. What a terrible decision. That was the first time I saw his true colors- his manipulative behavior. The violence he was truly capable of. I will never forget how he made me feel so awful and how hard I cried the first time he abused me. It's something I try to get out of my mind but it will always be a part of my memory. It truly scared me and was the first warning flag I saw with my own eyes.
I was trying to plan something special for his birthday while his kids were in town. I had taken them out earlier in the week and we bought him a bunch of birthday presents and crafts to make him homemade presents. He had claimed his ex wife never bought him a present the whole time they were together so I was determined to make it a good birthday. On Thanksgiving morning, I asked him in a very silly manner if I could please borrow his kids for an hour or so to do a "secret birthday mission". He asked why and used a joking tone with me. I said, jokingly, "Nunya business!"... He snapped. Gave me a dirty look and pressed his lips together. He came at me with a "knife hand" and whispered under his breath away from the kids that I had no right speaking to him that way in front of his children and I was teaching them bad habits. I was a bad role model and I needed to get the eff out of his apartment. He came within inches of my face and screamed at me to leave. I was so caught off guard and upset that I started crying and told him to never speak to me that way again. I slammed the door and left. I remember crying under my breath and saying "I don't deserve to be treated this way!" while walking back to my apartment. I was halfway there and he followed me out. I heard him scream at me- "You're just gonna leave? Don't you dare slam the door in front of my children like that! You are so immature! You DO deserve to be spoken to like that! You will not treat us poorly! You are a bad role model!"... I was completely and utterly at a loss for words. How was this my fault? Somehow, something inside me was so fearful of him that I begged for him to forgive me. I literally remember being so upset that I made myself throw up. I will never forget that day and how horrible I felt. I was alone on a holiday. I remember how I called my parents and wished I was in Chicago freezing my ass off with them rather than faking happiness with this horrible man and his fake family. We ended up going to his brothers house and his attitude with me continued. It was absolutely ridiculous. In the back of my mind, I remember thinking it wasn't normal but I can't tell you why I continued to put up with it. Before bed that night, I remember he wouldn't even kiss me goodnight before I went back to my apartment. He just kind of side hugged me and that was that. He didn't tell me he loved me and he didn't seem to care he was hurting me. I remember crying myself to sleep and blaming myself. I put every ounce of blame on myself, when every ounce should have been on him.
I am happy to say that's not the case anymore. My eyes have been opened and I know it's not normal to withdraw love and affection- that is a major emotional abuse tactic. What he did to me last year at this time was a HUGE red flag. I should have left then, but unfortunately I stayed and experienced the worst of it. I got out before I was completely broken and I thank God for the strength he gave me to do that. I can't change the past, but I do know that I can make sure it never happens in the future.
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