Sorry, Not Sorry

I was at work last week when my phone beeped that I had an email. I glanced down at it and I nearly fell out my chair.

It was from Asshat. The subject line? "two things I thought I owed you". 

The basic message he was sending in the email was "I'm sorry for how I treated you. I have changed since I was jailed. I was wrong. Thank you for helping me be a better man. I will always have a special place in my heart for you and Luke. But you always did wrong and you're acting like a victim when you're not and its pathetic and sad that you play the victim card"

I wanted to write about this because this is exactly why a narcissistic sociopath will NEVER be sorry or change his or her ways. He or she will constantly find a way to blame you for their behavior, even long after you are gone from their life. He had a semi-valid apology going until he found a way to blame me for his behavior. 

I laughed and deleted the email. But before I deleted it, I showed my boyfriend and my parents.. I sent it to some of my girlfriends. Everyone said the same thing- he is a sociopath. The sad part is... He will have more victims in the future. He will do this same thing to other women. I want to reach out and help them but I can't. I can't save the world. I can't warn every woman he comes in contact with. I can't let them all know to jump ship before they drown in his abuse. It's sad but other women will continue to go through what I did with him. Breaks my heart for them.

What I can do is be at peace with the fact that I am not being abused any more. I know now I do not have to subject myself to that kind of behavior to be loved by a man. I know now that I deserve so much better. I have a healthy, beautiful relationship. The happiness and pure joy I get from life is something I never thought I'd have. It feels amazing to be free and loved. I'm not sorry that I am happy- I will never apologize for my happiness.

Mama Bears Don't Play

I was approached by a colleague to speak about my experience with domestic violence. I would love to help others by sharing my story. I am no longer "ashamed"- I know I did nothing to deserve the abuse I endured. So therefore, I will do whatever it takes to help others realize that too. I was asked what the worst thing Asshat did to me was. I could think of several different situations, but then the most horrible thing he did came to mind. The thing that literally makes me sick to my stomach. I cringe and turn red and want to punch a wall whenever I think of it.... It was the way he abused my son. 

My son was 1 when I met Asshat. Still a sweet, innocent baby. He had no clue why his daddy didn't pay him a lot of attention at the time, so he got really close with Asshat. I thought it was so sweet the way Asshat treated Luke. But I was wrong- it was a show. A gimmick. False, fake behavior. I will say, I truly believe he did love Luke. At least for a small amount of time. But the way he treated him should have been enough to make me leave way before I did. 

Luke was a very picky eater. Asshats solution was to shove food down his throat and force him to eat until he choked/gagged on whatever it was. And yell at him while doing it. He said he had to do it to his kids and they learned to eat. I begged him to stop, and he would stop eventually.. but he would become mad at me and tell me I was not parenting him right. He would tell me I did not give a sh!t about my son. And God forbid if Luke ever hid the food in his cheeks- Asshat would spank him so hard that his feet came off the ground. It made me sick to my stomach and every time I mentioned how I didn't want him to do that to Luke, he would get an attitude with me. He said he knew better because he was a parent longer than me. And I foolishly believed him. 

Flash forward to our "family" vacation with the kids. He was constantly having to correct his son and to be completely honest, his son had no desire to listen to him. Wherever we went that week, Luke was super sweet and polite and people constantly commented on what a good boy he was. It made me very proud because I knew he learned manners from me and I know he is a sweet little guy. This really pissed Asshat off. The fact that we got comments on how polite LUCAS was, but his kids didn't get compliments. Well.. That definitely says something, don't Ya think? He never outright said anything to me, but I know it made him angry. 

He constantly told me what a horrible job I was doing parenting my son, but the truth was he had no clue how to effectively parent his own children. I know I am a damn good mother and I put Luke above everything else in my life. I would do anything for him and I will always be here for him- he is my world. Watching him decompress from the abuse Asshat put him through too has been rough. I blame myself a lot, but I am finally letting myself off the hook. A few months ago, he finally got to the point where he wasn't scared to eat chicken and other meats (that's usually what Asshat shoved down his throat). My boyfriend has been AMAZING in supporting Luke in his eating habits. He is gentle and helps me encourage Luke to eat new things but never forces anything on him. It's so great to not have to worry about dinner time. 

Last summer when Asshat and I broke up, I told Luke that he would not be seeing him or his kids anymore. And honestly, I don't think he understood. He said "otay Mama" and went on with his playing. So after Asshat was arrested for his sexcapades on CL, I kept Luke away from media outlets because I didn't want him to see his picture everywhere. One night, Luke got on my phone and saw the mugshot while I was in the bathroom. He pointed to it and said his name. I nodded and said "Yes, he had to go in a woo woo car to jail. He was a bad boy". Luke took my breath away- he said "He hurt my Mommy. Mommy cried. He is mean to my Mommy. I no like him. He is a bad bad boy!"... And from that day forward, there was no mention of him ever again. Except one time he told The Boyfriend that he was scared to eat chicken because of Asshat. Boyfriend was so gentle- he explained that he wasn't going to hurt him and that chicken was yummy and he needed to take "sharky bites" so he doesn't choke. Now, Luke loves chicken. He doesn't ask about Asshat or his kids. I am so glad he was young enough to not remember much. But he is smart. He is very very smart and he obviously knew the damage Asshat did to both of us. For that, my heart aches.

After all the shitty things he did to me, the mind games, cheating, abuse, and degrading behavior... The worst thing he ever did was hurt my son. I blame myself.  I have days where I want to bang my head against a wall. I look back and want to know why I allowed it to happen. When I did tell him to stop and removed us from the situation to avoid him hurting Luke more, he would always reel me back in. He did nice things for Luke. His kids adored Luke. I think that's why I always went back. It took me a while to allow The Boyfriend to be around Luke. I was nervous and I didn't want him to be hurt again. I sit here and watch them interact, and I know in my heart that my boyfriend absolutely loves LUCAS like he's his own son. The way he interacts with Luke is amazing. He is respectful to Lucas's dad and they get along well. Mama bears don't play- and I will never allow myself or my son to be in a situation like that again. 

Be a Man

I am going to venture into a topic that may be kind of sensitive for men, but it's something that is overlooked and unfortunately, very true. Do yall realize that emotional and verbal abuse happens to men, as well? It does. I am a victim- a survivor- of being emotionally abused by a master manipulator. I had no clue it really happened to men as much as it does to women. But it does- and by some strange twist of fate, the man I gave my heart to after I left my abuser was one of these men who was emotionally abused. 

I have never ever heard about a woman as terrible as TC (the name we have for his ex wife. I won't post what it stands for, use your imagination). My boyfriend is very honest and open- he has told me all the "bad" things he did in his marriage to her and how he left when he had enough of her abuse. And by "bad", I mean he had to stand up for himself when she degraded him- he said he would purposely stay out after work at the bookstore to avoid having to go home to hear her degrade him. He wasn't the best husband to her, but he has always been a very good man- and is still a wonderful man. The things she said to him and did behind his back are enough to make any person cringe. He was choking on food one time and she refused to take him to the ER or help him. She degraded his appearance. She accused him of being gay after his battle with testicular cancer. When he found out he was going to need surgery, she didn't ask him if he was okay and comfort him- she blamed it on him and cried that she would never have kids. She constantly got drunk and would degrade him. They ended up having twins through in vitro, and I will not stoop low and speak about her as a mother on here. That's not my place. I will say that the way she treats their father is not okay and the way she purposely keeps their children from him is disgusting. He is an excellent father- they adore him and get very upset when they have to leave him. 

Even though they split up 2 years ago, this woman is still bitter and manipulates everyone around her to think he is horrible. She constantly lies about him and makes herself out to be the victim. Most recently, she contacted his mother and was slick enough to turn his mother against him. She is running a "smear campaign" to try to ruin his name. It's actually quite disgusting that she feels the need to do this. In addition to all the stuff she does to him, she also has sent friends to stalk ME. I had a woman approach me in a public parking lot saying that she recognized me from the pictures she had seen of me and that TC had asked her to do a "background check" on me. This woman is insane.

I have had to work through some issues because of the mark my abuser left on me. I would flip out and think my boyfriend would harass me and degrade me because I accidentally washed his thumb drive with his jeans. That is something Asshat would've done and I would have suffered days of isolation and silent treatment followed by degradement and "You're lucky I even want to be with you after what you did".... But no- my sweet boyfriend laughed and told me it was  okay. He held me close as I cried and told me he would never hurt me like that. I still flipped out because it's a habit to assume I would be ridiculed for my mistakes. However, with his assurance and love, I have realized that is not normal and he will not act that way. It's the same way with him- there are certain times where he expects me to scream and yell at him and get angry. But that's not acceptable and I would never treat him that way. He needs the same time of assurance and love that he gives me- and I try my hardest to show him that every single day. I leave him notes in his wallet to find as he gets ready for work- "You are so handsome, I am the luckiest woman to have your love. I love you so very much xoxo Kris"... I know what I need to help me get past the scars Asshat left on me, so I use those same tactics to help him get over the marks TC left on him. 

Yes, men can be emotionally abused too. Yes, it's "taboo" because men are supposed to be stronger than women. No, it does NOT make them any less of a man. In fact, a man leaving an abusive situation is a bigger man. No one- man or woman- deserves to be abused. TC blames him for leaving her and their kids. She tells people a real man wouldn't do that. She couldn't be more wrong- a REAL man did leave her. And that man did it for all the right reasons- the benefit of their kids, his mental and physical well being, and for his damaged heart. I am here to tell you I treasure him so very much. He has brought hope, love, light, and extreme happiness into my life. He is one of the brightest parts of my life and I am blessed to get to love his healing heart. Men, there is hope for you. I promise- love is respectful, not hateful. There is no shame in leaving- Only regret if you choose to stay. 

New Year, New Life

Happy New Year to anyone who is reading this! I am confident that this year will be amazing and bring wonderful things. It's already started off on a much better note- I got to spend NYE on the couch cuddling with two main guys! My gorgeous son and handsome boyfriend. I wouldn't have wanted to be with anyone else. It was particularly nice not to be yelled at when the clock struck midnight. Last year, Asshat yelled at me about stupid stuff he made up to make me feel bad. I spent half the night crying and begging for him to forgive me. Ha- not anymore. I have an amazing, healthy relationship that never makes me feel like I am going to have a panic attack. That's why I KNOW this year is going to be amazing. Who knows... Maybe there will be a wedding if things work out the way they should... ❤️❤️❤️

I also have amazing news to share since I have not blogged in a while. I went in for my first papsmear after my last surgery for cervical cancer/HPV and my pap was clean!!! 😃😃😃😃 To make a long story short- I was completely clean before I met Asshat. I never slept around. Never had an irregular pap my whole life. Then, that changed once I started dating him. I went for my yearly papsmear and it came back irregular. When the doctor said I had HPV and he needed to do a biopsy, I was shocked. I had only been with Asshat. How could this have happened? Never mind the fact Asshat was sketchy with texts from random chicks and all, he still blamed me and accused me of cheating. He hounded me and abandoned me when I needed him the most. The day I found out I did have cervical cancer, I called him and he told me he couldn't be with me anymore because my parents and him didn't get along and he knew my mom would want to be by my side. He completely jumped ship. He continued to blame me and even made me feel bad because he said he had to go to the doctor to get checked himself. Swore to me he hadn't been with anyone else. Flash forward to several months after our breakup- he is arrested for his sexcapades on Craigslist. He was all over the local news. He was accused of raping a woman he met on CL, but was later dropped of all his charges because the woman lied about some of it. I was asked to speak to the detectives and a private investigator. Through answering their questions, I found out he had been sleeping with countless other women he met online the entire duration of our relationship. I was disgusted and hurt. How dare he accuse ME of being unfaithful when he was the one doing it behind my back? I went to see him in jail and he admitted he had been unfaithful to me and lied about so much I thought I knew about him.  Essentially, his dirty habit gave me cancer. How dare he. While I am having surgery and treatments and suffering, he is out having sex with random dirty women he meets on Craigslist. Seriously, made me get sick. Not only is he emotionally manipulative- he is twisted sexually too. 

So many friends and family members have told me to sue him for my medical bills. I have thousands of dollars of medical bills that I am paying on right now. However, he is out of my life and I don't want to give him any chance to get back in. I will pay my bills and smile knowing that I am a survivor in so many ways. It's a new year, a new life- I am so blessed to get to start over again with an optimistic perspective on life.