The First Time

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I am so happy to be able to travel home tomorrow to spend time with my parents. The past year has been very hard for us- Asshat always tried to get me to stop talking to them. He told me they were manipulating me. He also cussed my mom out several times. It's so nice to be able to go home and spend time with my parents and the man I love. I no longer have to stress and worry about "splitting time" and making someone mad. It's such a relief. I am thankful for no longer being emotionally abused and for a family who has always been there for me. I am also thankful for a sweet, handsome boyfriend who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. 

Last year on Thanksgiving, I gave up going to Chicago to see my brother and his girlfriend with my parents to stay home with Asshat and his kids. What a terrible decision. That was the first time I saw his true colors- his manipulative behavior. The violence he was truly capable of. I will never forget how he made me feel so awful and how hard I cried the first time he abused me. It's something I try to get out of my mind but it will always be a part of my memory. It truly scared me and was the first warning flag I saw with my own eyes.

I was trying to plan something special for his birthday while his kids were in town. I had taken them out earlier in the week and we bought him a bunch of birthday presents and crafts to make him homemade presents. He had claimed his ex wife never bought him a present the whole time they were together so I was determined to make it a good birthday. On Thanksgiving morning, I asked him in a very silly manner if I could please borrow his kids for an hour or so to do a "secret birthday mission". He asked why and used a joking tone with me. I said, jokingly, "Nunya business!"... He snapped. Gave me a dirty look and pressed his lips together. He came at me with a "knife hand" and whispered under his breath away from the kids that I had no right speaking to him that way in front of his children and I was teaching them bad habits. I was a bad role model and I needed to get the eff out of his apartment. He came within inches of my face and screamed at me to leave. I was so caught off guard and upset that I started crying and told him to never speak to me that way again. I slammed the door and left. I remember crying under my breath and saying "I don't deserve to be treated this way!" while walking back to my apartment. I was halfway there and he followed me out. I heard him scream at me- "You're just gonna leave? Don't you dare slam the door in front of my children like that! You are so immature! You DO deserve to be spoken to like that! You will not treat us poorly! You are a bad role model!"... I was completely and utterly at a loss for words. How was this my fault? Somehow, something inside me was so fearful of him that I begged for him to forgive me. I literally remember being so upset that I made myself throw up. I will never forget that day and how horrible I felt. I was alone on a holiday. I remember how I called my parents and wished I was in Chicago freezing my ass off with them rather than faking happiness with this horrible man and his fake family. We ended up going to his brothers house and his attitude with me continued. It was absolutely ridiculous. In the back of my mind, I remember thinking it wasn't normal but I can't tell you why I continued to put up with it. Before bed that night, I remember he wouldn't even kiss me goodnight before I went back to my apartment. He just kind of side hugged me and that was that. He didn't tell me he loved me and he didn't seem to care he was hurting me. I remember crying myself to sleep and blaming myself. I put every ounce of blame on myself, when every ounce should have been on him.

I am happy to say that's not the case anymore. My eyes have been opened and I know it's not normal to withdraw love and affection- that is a major emotional abuse tactic. What he did to me last year at this time was a HUGE red flag. I should have left then, but unfortunately I stayed and experienced the worst of it. I got out before I was completely broken and I thank God for the strength he gave me to do that. I can't change the past, but I do know that I can make sure it never happens in the future. 

Habits

Everyone has bad habits. Don't even sit there and lie to yourself because it's true! Some people bite their nails. Some people procrastinate. Some people are bad about washing dishes. (By "some people" I miiight be referring to myself).

There are also behavioral habits that are harder to break. Last night, I learned I have an extremely horrible habit that I picked up during my time with Asshat. I also was reassured I have a wonderful man in my life who is patient and kind and extremely loving.

The Boyfriend went to his house to download some programs for his computer and to update our new iPad. I decided to throw some laundry in and put his jeans in the washing machine. No biggie, I love doing nice things for him.

I texted him that I was doing laundry and he asks if I checked his pockets because his thumb drive was in his pocket. I flipped out and ran to the washing machine and tried to find it. I didn't feel anything. I finally was able to pull his jeans out and to my horror, his headphones, cash, and flash drive were all soaking wet in his pocket. I felt like an idiot! I should have checked his pockets before throwing his jeans in the wash.

I don't know why I expected him to scream and yell and degrade me, because that's NOT his personality at all, but I expected it to happen because that's the way Asshat was when I made mistakes. I would get degraded. Silent treatment. He would guilt trip me. It was heart wrenching. I would have panic attacks. 

I was so upset, I started hyperventilating and crying. The Boyfriend could sense in my texts that I was upset and he called and calmed me down. He sounded shocked that I was so upset. But he assured me it was okay and that he wasn't Asshat. "I would never treat you that way. You are safe with me and will be loved no matter what"... Wow. I am so lucky to find love after being hurt the way I was. So incredibly lucky.

Habits are hard to break but I know with the right people loving me, I will be able to break those terrible habits and be able to be completely free. It's nice to not have a breakdown when you make mistakes. 

Pretty Little Mustang

My boyfriend brought something to my attention last week. He said each time I really open up about Asshat, new information comes up and it's like I am remembering things that happened that I had forgotten. It's true- he will ask me a question and I will remember situations that happened as I answer his questions. It's insane.

One thing that really bothers me is the way Asshat made me feel about myself. Manipulators, emotional abusers, narcissists... They all know exactly how to get to your most vulnerable spots. For me, that's my role as a mom and my self-confidence.

 I used to be very happy with myself and very confident. Flash back 10 years ago when i graduated high school... I was a young, 17 (almost 18) year old girl. I was a size 6. I was on top of my game as a musician. I got a lot of attention from guys. I had a group of friends who were amazing (still to this day! Love you guys!). I had two friends in particular who I would  go out with on hot summer nights and we would "cruise" around town in her Wrangler. Y'all, we were a hot mess! I flirted my ass off with guys who were already in college or older. I was confident with my looks and my life. I had no worries. I never have been the kind of girl who "hooks up". I would flirt harmlessly and maybe kiss a few guys. Some guys thought this was a tease, but better to be a tease than a whore. I never thought to let a man dictate my self worth at that point in my life. 

Flash forward to my marriage. My ex husband is a decent guy. He's the father of my son, so I will not talk badly about him. However, he made me feel very bad about my image. He liked blonde hair and blue eyes- so I went out and got highlights and blue contacts. When I had Lucas, I gained a lot of weight. I became very self-conscious and insecure- my husband was literally not attracted to me anymore. I wanted to pursue music and he said it was a waste of time and money. He didn't support my passion for music and laughed at me. Nothing I did was ever okay and I would never be pretty again.

Flash forward to Asshat. He made me believe I was beautiful to capture me. Then, he turned.  I do not get a lot of male attention and if I do, I honestly don't pay it attention or realize it for what it is. Maybe that's a result of being insecure, but it's true. One time, I was at the post office mailing Christmas presents. A photographer behind me struck up conversation with me and he said "you have a beautiful jaw line and beautiful eyes. Your hair is gorgeous. Would you ever let me photograph you for some promotional material?".... I was flattered but kind of embarrassed by it. I came home and told Asshat. "You are lying, Kristin. That didn't really happen.".... Seriously? He continued to badger me about it and ask why I lied about it. I didn't lie about it- it truly happened. He made a big production out of it and said that no one just says that to strangers and why would anyone say that to me. It really made me feel crazy and ugly. 

Another time, an older man in Starbucks approached me and said "I bet I know exactly where you're from by your accent"... We struck up a conversation and I found out he was a professor and studied dialects. He was spot on- he guessed an Eastern TN accent which makes sense since I picked up this southern drawl I have while I was at Appalachian State. He said "Beautiful accent for a beautiful lady. Have a nice day!" and left after paying for my coffee. It really made my day! I told Asshat about it thinking how cool it was that he picked up my accent. Asshat got pissed and acussed me of lying. As if I am not capable of being told I am pretty or people thinking I am approachable and kind. It literally made me feel like a crazy person. It made me feel so freakin' ugly and unwanted. I felt like I had to apologize to him. I told him I lied just to get him to stop hounding me about it. What a shitty situation. 

It's still hard for me to accept that I AM beautiful, but I know I am. I am not a super model by any means, but I am me and if that's not enough for someone who loves me, they truly don't love me. I don't need layers of makeup or trendy clothes to be beautiful. 

He really did a lot of damage to my self esteem. But even though the damage leaves scars, I am choosing to ignore the scars and be the best version of myself I can be. Hurtful things he said to me come back to haunt me at times, but they are in the past. I have a beautiful future to look forward to. No sense in harping over harsh words that mean nothing now. My past is in my past. 

"Go on and light up the dark just like a firefly

Drop every jaw in the room when you walk by
Only like the sky owns the stars and the moon
Make them all breathlessly want more and more of you...
So, put the top down on your pretty little mustang
Oh, drive it like you stole it, like you're making a getaway
Making heads turn, making hearts spin, flying like the wild wind
Yeah, your pretty little mustang"

(Mickey Guyton)

I love the message this song sends. Be beautiful, be happy, be confident. Those are all things I was stripped of last year and the majority of this year. I am glad to say that I was able to get those things back, but it's still a process. Some days, I get down on myself and I have to remind myself I am beautiful. Some days I am not very confident. But then I remind myself I can do whatever I put my mind to. It's a healing process, but it's getting better every day. 

To anyone reading this who can relate, please know that it's not normal for someone to treat you like that. It took me a long time to realize that. You are better than that. 

Fear

Fear is difficult concept. When you're young, it can start off with something silly and simple. For example, my 3 year old son is extremely fearful of the vacuum cleaner. I have a lot of fears- flying, killer whales, spiders, roller coasters. But I have fears that trump those- legitimate fears that make me lose sleep sometimes. My worst fear is failing my son as his mother. I want to be the best mother I can be. Ever since I was a little girl, all I have ever wanted to be is a mom. Now that God has blessed me with my son, I am fearful that I am going to mess it up in some way. Seems legit, right? 

Everyday fear is something that I never really thought too much about until after I separated myself from Asshat. Of course when we first broke up, I feared my life without him because he had me under his mind control that I was nothing without him. But once I realized I deserve better, that fear was gone. I felt relieved. But the fear I am talking about is the fear of what he is capable of. The "what ifs" and reflecting on the past and seeing the truth of what he did. I see the same type of car he owns in traffic and my heart drops. I constantly check my surroundings. I always lock my door, even if I am just running inside to get something. If I am alone at a store or something I am constantly scanning the area. I purposely avoid places I know he frequents. 

It's not just me who is ridden with fear. My parents who live 2 states away are always worried for me. They get "bad feelings" and text and call me to make sure I am safe. My boyfriend is extremely cautious and very protective and he is constantly scanning for any signs of this guy. If I need something from my car late at night, my boyfriend doesn't even give me the option of going downstairs for it myself. He doesn't want to chance anything. He makes me feel safe, and for that, I can't thank him enough.

I have recently realized that I cannot let this Asshat control my life. I thought about deleting my FB page because he kept friend requesting me under different profiles. His friends were sending me messages about what a bad person I was because I would not accept him back into my life. His friend made up lies about me and broadcasted them to Asshat and the internet. But why am I going to let him control what I do? I did that for far too long. No more of that- I am done being a puppet. I am done hiding. If I am happy, why can't I let that be known? If I am in a loving, healthy relationship, why should I hide it? I shouldn't. And I am not doing that anymore. No more fear. No more regrets. I am not living my life hiding from my past abuser. There's a difference in being cautious and being fearful. And I am DONE with living in fear. 

Some words for thought- this is exactly how I used to feel. No more fear! Recognize the signs of being emotionally abused. You CAN get out. 💚

Beautiful

From before I can remember, I have struggled with self-image. I have tried every diet, dropped thousands of $$$ on makeup and clothes, and tried everything I could possibly do to make myself "beautiful". 

One of the worst parts of finding out Asshat cheated on me multiple times was wondering why. What was so wrong with me that he had to seek pleasure and comfort elsewhere? How could I be laying in his arms one minute and the next he was texting another woman? I felt ugly, used, disgusting, and worthless. I would look in the mirror and not see anything but an ugly woman. Red hair, brown eyes, freckles, size 8.. I was undesirable. If this man could go behind my back and cheat while I had no clue, how would I ever trust another man not to do the same? How could any man think I was beautiful? 

To make matters even more effed up, he would constantly accuse me of cheating. He would tell me I couldn't just be friends with another man because I would sleep with them. This is total BS. I would be crying and begging him to stop accusing me when I was doing nothing wrong. One time, he accused me of cheating bc his friend texted me a picture of them in college. I responded and told his friend to come back to visit Asshat and me sometime soon bc we missed him and I thought the picture was great. I even think I said that Asshat was so handsome or something like that. The next morning, Asshat told me that he didn't know what I was doing behind his back if I was texting his friends at night and on FB when I said I was going to bed. I explained that I couldn't sleep and I was just browsing FB and his friend happened to text me that picture of them- which he was also a part of that group text. He saw everything I typed to him. He got very angry with me and accused me of flirting. I did NO such thing. I was so upset, but I look back with the truth and see that he was cheating on me and accusing me of the same because he was guilty. As crazy as his logic was, it made sense to him. 

When I say this man really ruined my self worth and image, I mean he did a number on me. I cut myself with the sharp edge of a Bobby pin one night. I wanted to make sure I still knew how to feel. But it didnt hurt so I did it again. I started bleeding and felt a sharp pain. I was thankful I was feeling something- even if it was pain. I never did it again. I went and spent money I didn't have any right spending on makeup so I could make myself beautiful. Asshat always told me I was beautiful at the beginning of our relationship but he never really said it a lot after that. Even if he did, his words are no longer valid. You can't tell me I'm beautiful and then go tell several other women you met online that they're gorgeous too. That's bullshit. If you are with someone in a committed relationship, THEY are the only man or woman you are supposed to see. You need to remind them every day how precious they are to you and how beautiful they really are. Inside and out. I can't tell you the last time he ever made me feel like that. Looking back, I'm not sure he ever really did. I can't look back with my eyes opened and say that he meant anything. If you're texting another woman about how beautiful she is and then telling me the same thing at the same time, your validity is shot to shit. 

It took me a while to regain a sense of self worth. I cried a lot. I got mad and refused to go out. I avoided public places bc I was embarrassed with myself. If I saw someone looking at me, I would pick myself apart to see what was wrong. But one day, I woke up and I decided to stop altering myself and to just be myself. No heavy makeup, no fancy clothes. I am a mom and if don't have time to straighten my hair every morning, hey- it's ok. I will embrace my wild wavy red hair. If my contacts don't want to stay in, hey- it's ok. I can rock the glasses to work/school. Something clicked inside me and made me realize that I am worth more than what he ever treated me as. I still struggle with my self-image. But I am getting better with it and embracing everything life throws at me. I am 28 years old and I finally feel more beautiful than I have in a while. Even more so than when I was 21. 

I finally have an amazing man in my life and he shows me every day how beautiful I am to him. I catch him staring at me and smiling as I am writing music or cooking dinner. When my eyes catch his, I can tell I am the only woman he sees by the way he looks at me. I never felt that before with anyone. It's an incredible feeling, bc I feel the same way about him. He is the only man I see. He never hesitates to tell me I am beautiful and I remind him how handsome he is whenever I get the chance. I love that I have found someone who sees my beauty, from the inside out, and does not compare me to others. Someone who I can feel safe with and trust not to betray me like I was betrayed before. 

Every person in this world is beautiful. No one ever deserves to feel like they are ugly because of another's actions. Period.