One thing that really bothers me is the way Asshat made me feel about myself. Manipulators, emotional abusers, narcissists... They all know exactly how to get to your most vulnerable spots. For me, that's my role as a mom and my self-confidence.
I used to be very happy with myself and very confident. Flash back 10 years ago when i graduated high school... I was a young, 17 (almost 18) year old girl. I was a size 6. I was on top of my game as a musician. I got a lot of attention from guys. I had a group of friends who were amazing (still to this day! Love you guys!). I had two friends in particular who I would go out with on hot summer nights and we would "cruise" around town in her Wrangler. Y'all, we were a hot mess! I flirted my ass off with guys who were already in college or older. I was confident with my looks and my life. I had no worries. I never have been the kind of girl who "hooks up". I would flirt harmlessly and maybe kiss a few guys. Some guys thought this was a tease, but better to be a tease than a whore. I never thought to let a man dictate my self worth at that point in my life.
Flash forward to my marriage. My ex husband is a decent guy. He's the father of my son, so I will not talk badly about him. However, he made me feel very bad about my image. He liked blonde hair and blue eyes- so I went out and got highlights and blue contacts. When I had Lucas, I gained a lot of weight. I became very self-conscious and insecure- my husband was literally not attracted to me anymore. I wanted to pursue music and he said it was a waste of time and money. He didn't support my passion for music and laughed at me. Nothing I did was ever okay and I would never be pretty again.
Flash forward to Asshat. He made me believe I was beautiful to capture me. Then, he turned. I do not get a lot of male attention and if I do, I honestly don't pay it attention or realize it for what it is. Maybe that's a result of being insecure, but it's true. One time, I was at the post office mailing Christmas presents. A photographer behind me struck up conversation with me and he said "you have a beautiful jaw line and beautiful eyes. Your hair is gorgeous. Would you ever let me photograph you for some promotional material?".... I was flattered but kind of embarrassed by it. I came home and told Asshat. "You are lying, Kristin. That didn't really happen.".... Seriously? He continued to badger me about it and ask why I lied about it. I didn't lie about it- it truly happened. He made a big production out of it and said that no one just says that to strangers and why would anyone say that to me. It really made me feel crazy and ugly.
Another time, an older man in Starbucks approached me and said "I bet I know exactly where you're from by your accent"... We struck up a conversation and I found out he was a professor and studied dialects. He was spot on- he guessed an Eastern TN accent which makes sense since I picked up this southern drawl I have while I was at Appalachian State. He said "Beautiful accent for a beautiful lady. Have a nice day!" and left after paying for my coffee. It really made my day! I told Asshat about it thinking how cool it was that he picked up my accent. Asshat got pissed and acussed me of lying. As if I am not capable of being told I am pretty or people thinking I am approachable and kind. It literally made me feel like a crazy person. It made me feel so freakin' ugly and unwanted. I felt like I had to apologize to him. I told him I lied just to get him to stop hounding me about it. What a shitty situation.
It's still hard for me to accept that I AM beautiful, but I know I am. I am not a super model by any means, but I am me and if that's not enough for someone who loves me, they truly don't love me. I don't need layers of makeup or trendy clothes to be beautiful.
He really did a lot of damage to my self esteem. But even though the damage leaves scars, I am choosing to ignore the scars and be the best version of myself I can be. Hurtful things he said to me come back to haunt me at times, but they are in the past. I have a beautiful future to look forward to. No sense in harping over harsh words that mean nothing now. My past is in my past.
"Go on and light up the dark just like a firefly
Drop every jaw in the room when you walk by
Only like the sky owns the stars and the moon
Make them all breathlessly want more and more of you...
So, put the top down on your pretty little mustang
Oh, drive it like you stole it, like you're making a getaway
Making heads turn, making hearts spin, flying like the wild wind
Yeah, your pretty little mustang"
Only like the sky owns the stars and the moon
Make them all breathlessly want more and more of you...
So, put the top down on your pretty little mustang
Oh, drive it like you stole it, like you're making a getaway
Making heads turn, making hearts spin, flying like the wild wind
Yeah, your pretty little mustang"
(Mickey Guyton)
I love the message this song sends. Be beautiful, be happy, be confident. Those are all things I was stripped of last year and the majority of this year. I am glad to say that I was able to get those things back, but it's still a process. Some days, I get down on myself and I have to remind myself I am beautiful. Some days I am not very confident. But then I remind myself I can do whatever I put my mind to. It's a healing process, but it's getting better every day.
To anyone reading this who can relate, please know that it's not normal for someone to treat you like that. It took me a long time to realize that. You are better than that.
No comments:
Post a Comment