I was approached by a colleague to speak about my experience with domestic violence. I would love to help others by sharing my story. I am no longer "ashamed"- I know I did nothing to deserve the abuse I endured. So therefore, I will do whatever it takes to help others realize that too. I was asked what the worst thing Asshat did to me was. I could think of several different situations, but then the most horrible thing he did came to mind. The thing that literally makes me sick to my stomach. I cringe and turn red and want to punch a wall whenever I think of it.... It was the way he abused my son.
My son was 1 when I met Asshat. Still a sweet, innocent baby. He had no clue why his daddy didn't pay him a lot of attention at the time, so he got really close with Asshat. I thought it was so sweet the way Asshat treated Luke. But I was wrong- it was a show. A gimmick. False, fake behavior. I will say, I truly believe he did love Luke. At least for a small amount of time. But the way he treated him should have been enough to make me leave way before I did.
Luke was a very picky eater. Asshats solution was to shove food down his throat and force him to eat until he choked/gagged on whatever it was. And yell at him while doing it. He said he had to do it to his kids and they learned to eat. I begged him to stop, and he would stop eventually.. but he would become mad at me and tell me I was not parenting him right. He would tell me I did not give a sh!t about my son. And God forbid if Luke ever hid the food in his cheeks- Asshat would spank him so hard that his feet came off the ground. It made me sick to my stomach and every time I mentioned how I didn't want him to do that to Luke, he would get an attitude with me. He said he knew better because he was a parent longer than me. And I foolishly believed him.
Flash forward to our "family" vacation with the kids. He was constantly having to correct his son and to be completely honest, his son had no desire to listen to him. Wherever we went that week, Luke was super sweet and polite and people constantly commented on what a good boy he was. It made me very proud because I knew he learned manners from me and I know he is a sweet little guy. This really pissed Asshat off. The fact that we got comments on how polite LUCAS was, but his kids didn't get compliments. Well.. That definitely says something, don't Ya think? He never outright said anything to me, but I know it made him angry.
He constantly told me what a horrible job I was doing parenting my son, but the truth was he had no clue how to effectively parent his own children. I know I am a damn good mother and I put Luke above everything else in my life. I would do anything for him and I will always be here for him- he is my world. Watching him decompress from the abuse Asshat put him through too has been rough. I blame myself a lot, but I am finally letting myself off the hook. A few months ago, he finally got to the point where he wasn't scared to eat chicken and other meats (that's usually what Asshat shoved down his throat). My boyfriend has been AMAZING in supporting Luke in his eating habits. He is gentle and helps me encourage Luke to eat new things but never forces anything on him. It's so great to not have to worry about dinner time.
Last summer when Asshat and I broke up, I told Luke that he would not be seeing him or his kids anymore. And honestly, I don't think he understood. He said "otay Mama" and went on with his playing. So after Asshat was arrested for his sexcapades on CL, I kept Luke away from media outlets because I didn't want him to see his picture everywhere. One night, Luke got on my phone and saw the mugshot while I was in the bathroom. He pointed to it and said his name. I nodded and said "Yes, he had to go in a woo woo car to jail. He was a bad boy". Luke took my breath away- he said "He hurt my Mommy. Mommy cried. He is mean to my Mommy. I no like him. He is a bad bad boy!"... And from that day forward, there was no mention of him ever again. Except one time he told The Boyfriend that he was scared to eat chicken because of Asshat. Boyfriend was so gentle- he explained that he wasn't going to hurt him and that chicken was yummy and he needed to take "sharky bites" so he doesn't choke. Now, Luke loves chicken. He doesn't ask about Asshat or his kids. I am so glad he was young enough to not remember much. But he is smart. He is very very smart and he obviously knew the damage Asshat did to both of us. For that, my heart aches.
After all the shitty things he did to me, the mind games, cheating, abuse, and degrading behavior... The worst thing he ever did was hurt my son. I blame myself. I have days where I want to bang my head against a wall. I look back and want to know why I allowed it to happen. When I did tell him to stop and removed us from the situation to avoid him hurting Luke more, he would always reel me back in. He did nice things for Luke. His kids adored Luke. I think that's why I always went back. It took me a while to allow The Boyfriend to be around Luke. I was nervous and I didn't want him to be hurt again. I sit here and watch them interact, and I know in my heart that my boyfriend absolutely loves LUCAS like he's his own son. The way he interacts with Luke is amazing. He is respectful to Lucas's dad and they get along well. Mama bears don't play- and I will never allow myself or my son to be in a situation like that again.
