Sh!t My Son Says

Tonight, I am sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos with The Boyfriend and we start to joke around. He tickles me and I jokingly yell out for Lucas- "Rescue me, Lucas! Be my hero!"

 [Background Info: Lucas is really into being a hero and saving people. He loves to pretend to play fireman and police man]

Me: "LUCAAASSS! RESCUUUEEEE MEEEEEE!!!"
Lucas: "No. Not today. I am busy, Mommy"
Me: "WHAT?? I need you to be my hero!"
Lucas: *sighs* "I said NOT TODAY, Mommmy. I am too busy!"
Boyfriend: "Lucas, will you rescue ME?"
Lucas: "Ummm... No."

Later on tonight, he is getting ready for bed and we decide to pull a Halloween prank on him. Lucas hates the vacuum- as in petrified. Screaming, holy terror, psychotically scared. I would post a video, but I don't want to leave anything open to the trolls who may find this page. Anyway.. The Boyfriend gets a genius idea when Lucas starts being defiant before bed that we should push the vacuum in his room and scare him. So, like the top notch parents we are, I get the iPhone video camera ready and The Boyfriend turns the vacuum on and runs into the room full speed while dancing with the vacuum in his hands. Lucas FLIPPED HIS LID. And we got it all on video- JACKPOT!

Lucas: "NOOOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!! I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT!!! NO VACUUM! PUT IT AWAAAYYYY!"

After he's calmed down, this is what he says:
Lucas: "I said NO vacuum. I said put it away. I told you guys to stop it. Cut it out! It NOT funny!"

I'd like to go ahead and thank the academy for the Parent of the Year Award... ;)

(Throwback Thursday- Lucas at a year old!)

I Don't

One of the hardest parts of realizing I was emotionally abused for a year was separating my heart from the man who abused me. I was in love with him, or so I thought. But, if he was in love with me, why would he treat me like dirt? Why would he constantly intimidate me? Make me fear him? This was honestly the hardest part. Once I realized love isn't supposed to hurt, I was able to detach my feelings from reality and move on. It has been exhilarating to be able to learn to love again without fear. True love does not hurt. True love is selfless and makes your heart so full it could burst. 

I can recall countless times where the abuse came to a head. Where I actually feared he would raise his hand to me. He was a big guy, he could easily hurt me. I never once thought he would until the day he yelled at me about being too sensitive. Back story- It was "shark week" (aka I was on my period). My emotions were already high. He was in a bad mood because his kids would not listen to him. I had a Popsicle on the couch and I wrapped paper towels around the stick so it would not melt on my hand. His daughter gets one and does the same thing- wraps a paper towel around the stick. He comes over to us and screams at his daughter about why she has a paper towel around the stick. She looks at me- we are both shocked and confused. I said "hey, it's my fault. She saw me doing it and I'm sorry- just trying to avoid a mess". He says "I wasn't talking to you. You are a grown woman.".... He proceeds to yell at his daughter about wasting paper towels and that he didn't listen to her. She goes to her room. I got up and threw the stick away and he follows me to the bathroom where he puts his face within inches of mine and proceeds to scold me under his breath so his kids don't hear. I can't remember exactly what was said, but it was something about me being a bad role model and I didn't have any right to justify the fact she disobeyed him. I tend to be a sassy little firecracker, so I said "it's an effin' paper towel. I bought them for you. It's not a big deal!".... He fired back with hateful words about how I am stupid and I can get the f away from him and his kids if I had that attitude. He said I needed an attitude adjustment and I was a being a bitch. I hate being referred to as a bitch and I also hate being yelled at for no reason, so I started crying. He rolled his eyes and told me to leave. He said I was too sensitive and I needed to get a grip on reality and accept my fault in the whole "incident". A few minutes later, I walked into his kitchen to help my son with eating his lunch and he followed me in there and put a dog collar around my neck. He made a clicking noise and whistled at me and said "Good girl".... Basically he was calling me a bitch again. He did this in front of my son. How dare he!! It got me so upset that my son and I left. And he guilt tripped me and told me I was too sensitive and he was "just joking". "Come on Kristin, learn to take a joke. You are too sensitive. Calm down!".... Right. And then he would bring his kids into it. "you just left and that hurt their feelings. You don't think about them at all before you do things".

"Save your I'm sorries

Just leave 'em at the door

You can't make me feel guilty anymore"

He would constantly make me feel guilty. About everything. If I had to go to class or planned on staying after to type a paper up in the lab, he would sigh and make a snide comment like "Fine then. I guess you don't want to spend time with me or my kids. We were waiting for you to get home so we could go to the waterpark but I guess we just wasted our day".... And the crazy thing is, I would feel sooooo guilty that I would rush home and put school work to the side. Then, once I got home, it was "I guess you lied about having to do school work. Where were you? I know you weren't at school. Why would you just come home if you had so much to do? You don't give a shit about anything"... Seriously? He was such a guilt tripper and manipulator. One time, I was in heavy traffic on the way home. For those who live in Charleston, you know how 26 gets- a 20 minute commute turns into an hour commute. I got home and automatically I can tell he is pissed just by looking at him. He is biting his lip and has a scowl on his face. "Where were you?"... "I told you, I was in traffic on 26"... He laughs this scary laugh and shakes his head. "No you weren't Kristin. Where were you?"... "I was in traffic!"... "You're lying to me! Where were you??"... "traffic on I- 26!"... This back and forth would go on until I questioned my own sanity. Until he had me cornered against a wall or cabinet in the kitchen screaming in my face. Was I really stuck in traffic that long?? I knew I had been in traffic for a long time. So why was he making me question myself?? It was insane!

Heres one more incident that happened before I end my post for the day. Asshat, as I affectionately term this jerk, is a very cocky man. He is very self-centered when it comes to his appearance. He has expensive taste in clothes and accessories. He wears a chain on his neck and wears high end cologne. He has a certain "look" to him. He is well groomed and well- maintained. He has a back and arms that are covered in tattoos. He gets his back waxed monthly. He drives a luxury vehicle and is very careful with it. The point of me telling this about him is that he uses these things to intimidate people to get his way. He's very confrontational and very intimidating. He starts off charming people with his "friendly" personality. He jokes around and gets to know them. Last winter we went to his work Christmas party downtown. I had to buy a ball gown. He had to order a tux. The man he ordered a tux from was a sweet man who helped him find exactly what he wanted. However, the man had a personal tragedy happen in his life and the tux was late coming in. Asshat lost his shit on this poor man. Blew up his phone, threatened him, yelled, screamed. There was no reason for it. The tux man was planning and attending the funeral of a close relative. Everytime he got off the phone with the poor guy, he would say "he will learn he doesn't fuck with me". This really should have been a sign for me to get the hell away. However I looked at it as him not taking crap from anyone and thought it was normal. It's not normal- that's a big sign of someone who is capable of more than just emotional abuse. He was emotionally abusing that man. 

It's not acceptable for anyone to speak to anyone else the way he spoke to me and others. If this sounds a little too familiar to you, please evaluate your situation and get out while you can. If you need help "escaping", call a trusted friend and explain everything to them. Just get away while you can. Before it escalates. 

"You say I should stay with you. That Jesus forgives you. You say I will, but I won't. The difference is, Jesus loves you- I don't" 

Sh!t My Son Says

My son is 3. What a glorious age. Terrible twos? Psssshh, more like terrible threes! Every day he says something so hilarious and ridiculous that I have to post. So here is today's installment of "Sh!t My Son Says".

I picked Lucas up from school and had to cut across the road really fast to get into our apartment complex before traffic blocked us. I'm pretty much a freakin' NASCAR driver. You're welcome, son. 

Lucas: "oh my!!!"

Me: "You okay buddy?"

Lucas: "Mommy you drive so scary!! Mommy!! You are cray cray!"

Me: "ummm excuse me? I am what?"

Lucas: "Mama, you are cray cray!"

Me: "where did you learn that??"

Lucas: "my girlfriend. Emma."

Me: "I thought your girlfriends name was Reagan?"

Lucas: "yeah her too. I love girls. They cray cray. Mommy is cray cray too"

Listen here you tiny Casanova... Smart mouths are not appreciated ;) 

 

There's More to Me Than You

Here I am, y'all. I am back and better than ever. It's been 2 years since I left my ex husband. Best decision ever (sorry ex hubby, but it's true!). My son is now 3 years old and as sweet and sassy as ever. I have experienced more love in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. I am in an amazingly sweet spot in my life and yet, I am here writing a blog about domestic abuse and hoping that even if it just helps one person, I can make a difference by sharing my story. 

This blog won't be entirely solemn. I DO love to joke around and use humor. And I do love to share the crazy sh!t my son says and I am sure I will want to rave about the amazing man in my life and share the hilarious things he says as well. Let's face it- I always tend to find crazy people around town. There's always a good story to be told!

However, my main purpose in starting a blog again is to tell my story and put it all out there on the line. I did not realize I was experiencing abuse until it was almost too late. It traumatized me in many ways. It traumatized my son. It even traumatized my parents and close friends. I have scars, but I have finally realized I am a strong person and I can live my life without fear. 

"There's More to Me Than You"- a great song by Jessica Andrews. The story of my escape from the flaws of being emotionally abused. Physical abuse leaves visible scars and it's a horrible thing to go through. I wish it upon no one. Sexual abuse is a bit more hidden, but also has visible marks of abuse. Emotional abuse- what I experienced for over a year- is a little harder for others to detect. There are no visible marks. Only gut wrenching blows to your self esteem and mental health. 

"I spent years and all of this time thinking I was better off cause you were mine. You always said it was your way or the highway."

I went into this relationship thinking this man was Prince Effin' Charming. Little did I know he was manipulating me and getting to know me well so he knew HOW to abuse me. He took me on trips, made huge romantic gestures, brought me flowers, bought jewelry, promised me forever, held me high above any other person in his life, got close with my family and friends, and just seemed perfect. How far from the truth. This was the process of "grooming" me for my insecurities and vulnerabilities so he could prey on me and attack me later. 

"I'm not saying I'm battered and bruised, but I might as well be with the words you used. I believe in myself- and that makes me stronger!"

After we were in a relationship for a few months, the abuse started. We would get in an argument that he created out of something small and he would blame me and ignore me for days on end. "You are a bad person, Kristin"... "You did this, not me"... "I can't trust you because of what you did"... "You don't give a crap about your son"... "You are a bad mother"... "You are a liar"... "This is all your fault"..."No one will believe you bc I have integrity and you don't"...

I remember one specific incident where I was taking care of his dogs while he picked his kids up from their mom. The dogs would not go #2 even after I took them out several times. So after dinner that night we came back to his apartment with all three of our kids and the one dog had pooped in his crate. He screamed at me that I could not be trusted and I was a liar and I didn't give a sh!t about him. He did this in front of all three young children. I told him I would help him clean it up and he screamed at me even more. I took my son and left, but before I did- he told me I was a bad person and as I walked out the door, his daughter gave me a hug and told me not to be scared. How sad is that? I would always beg and plead with him to forgive me, even when it wasn't my fault.

"There was always something that meant more to you than me. And I'm just sorry it's taken this for you to see"

We broke up several times over the course of a year. I was constantly finding sexual texts from other women and he would have a story to back up why it wasn't cheating. Then he would blame me and say it was my fault bc I shouldn't have been looking at his phone. I can't tell you the crazy stories he told me and not laugh looking back on how I believed them! He was hateful with his words, even calling my mother and threatening her. He told me I deserved to be spoken to in a condescending manner. He said no one would ever treat me right bc I did not deserve to be treated right. He withdrew himself from me and was downright mean to me. Very hateful and very cynical. He was always accusing me of cheating on him when I didn't even have a single thought about cheating on my brain. Now I look back and see that he was paranoid bc he was actually cheating on me. On September 17 this year, after we had been broken up for a while, I found out via the news that he had been arrested for first degree sexual assault against a women he met on Craigslist. Seriously?? There he was in the pink button up Ralph Lauren shirt that my parents bought him for Christmas- his mugshot all over the news. What. the. freak. I got called in to talk to the detective and victims advocate. I found out the past year I had been with him, he had been with countless other women he met online doing disgusting sexual acts with them. I was sick to my stomach. He lied about so much to me and it took him being arrested for the truth to come out. He lied to his friends about me. Told them terrible things that were nowhere near the truth. It was an eye opener. I actually felt relieved. I wasn't crazy- he actually did abuse me. I was NOT a bad person. But the thought lingered in my head... Why wasn't I good enough for him?!

Here's the truth- I AM better than that. It has taken me so long to realize that but I am. I did not deserve that. I did nothing to deserve to be spoken to like. It could have very easily escalated into physical and it sexual abuse, which it almost did once or twice. I was brainwashed. I held him on a pedestal. He was almost like a God to me. He made himself into an idol and expected me to worship him. When I recognized his BS and called him out, he fought back with fire. I was scared of him. But not any more- I am free. I am happy. I am relieved.

My hope is that someone can read this first entry and decide to follow me because I am giving them hope that they CAN get out of a bad situation. You CAN get out. You don't deserve that. And it's not always women- men can be emotionally abused too! Please feel free to comment or email or ask questions. I am here for anyone who needs to talk. 

Until tomorrow... 🎶