One of the worst parts of finding out Asshat cheated on me multiple times was wondering why. What was so wrong with me that he had to seek pleasure and comfort elsewhere? How could I be laying in his arms one minute and the next he was texting another woman? I felt ugly, used, disgusting, and worthless. I would look in the mirror and not see anything but an ugly woman. Red hair, brown eyes, freckles, size 8.. I was undesirable. If this man could go behind my back and cheat while I had no clue, how would I ever trust another man not to do the same? How could any man think I was beautiful?
To make matters even more effed up, he would constantly accuse me of cheating. He would tell me I couldn't just be friends with another man because I would sleep with them. This is total BS. I would be crying and begging him to stop accusing me when I was doing nothing wrong. One time, he accused me of cheating bc his friend texted me a picture of them in college. I responded and told his friend to come back to visit Asshat and me sometime soon bc we missed him and I thought the picture was great. I even think I said that Asshat was so handsome or something like that. The next morning, Asshat told me that he didn't know what I was doing behind his back if I was texting his friends at night and on FB when I said I was going to bed. I explained that I couldn't sleep and I was just browsing FB and his friend happened to text me that picture of them- which he was also a part of that group text. He saw everything I typed to him. He got very angry with me and accused me of flirting. I did NO such thing. I was so upset, but I look back with the truth and see that he was cheating on me and accusing me of the same because he was guilty. As crazy as his logic was, it made sense to him.
When I say this man really ruined my self worth and image, I mean he did a number on me. I cut myself with the sharp edge of a Bobby pin one night. I wanted to make sure I still knew how to feel. But it didnt hurt so I did it again. I started bleeding and felt a sharp pain. I was thankful I was feeling something- even if it was pain. I never did it again. I went and spent money I didn't have any right spending on makeup so I could make myself beautiful. Asshat always told me I was beautiful at the beginning of our relationship but he never really said it a lot after that. Even if he did, his words are no longer valid. You can't tell me I'm beautiful and then go tell several other women you met online that they're gorgeous too. That's bullshit. If you are with someone in a committed relationship, THEY are the only man or woman you are supposed to see. You need to remind them every day how precious they are to you and how beautiful they really are. Inside and out. I can't tell you the last time he ever made me feel like that. Looking back, I'm not sure he ever really did. I can't look back with my eyes opened and say that he meant anything. If you're texting another woman about how beautiful she is and then telling me the same thing at the same time, your validity is shot to shit.
It took me a while to regain a sense of self worth. I cried a lot. I got mad and refused to go out. I avoided public places bc I was embarrassed with myself. If I saw someone looking at me, I would pick myself apart to see what was wrong. But one day, I woke up and I decided to stop altering myself and to just be myself. No heavy makeup, no fancy clothes. I am a mom and if don't have time to straighten my hair every morning, hey- it's ok. I will embrace my wild wavy red hair. If my contacts don't want to stay in, hey- it's ok. I can rock the glasses to work/school. Something clicked inside me and made me realize that I am worth more than what he ever treated me as. I still struggle with my self-image. But I am getting better with it and embracing everything life throws at me. I am 28 years old and I finally feel more beautiful than I have in a while. Even more so than when I was 21.
I finally have an amazing man in my life and he shows me every day how beautiful I am to him. I catch him staring at me and smiling as I am writing music or cooking dinner. When my eyes catch his, I can tell I am the only woman he sees by the way he looks at me. I never felt that before with anyone. It's an incredible feeling, bc I feel the same way about him. He is the only man I see. He never hesitates to tell me I am beautiful and I remind him how handsome he is whenever I get the chance. I love that I have found someone who sees my beauty, from the inside out, and does not compare me to others. Someone who I can feel safe with and trust not to betray me like I was betrayed before.
Every person in this world is beautiful. No one ever deserves to feel like they are ugly because of another's actions. Period. 
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