Fear

Fear is difficult concept. When you're young, it can start off with something silly and simple. For example, my 3 year old son is extremely fearful of the vacuum cleaner. I have a lot of fears- flying, killer whales, spiders, roller coasters. But I have fears that trump those- legitimate fears that make me lose sleep sometimes. My worst fear is failing my son as his mother. I want to be the best mother I can be. Ever since I was a little girl, all I have ever wanted to be is a mom. Now that God has blessed me with my son, I am fearful that I am going to mess it up in some way. Seems legit, right? 

Everyday fear is something that I never really thought too much about until after I separated myself from Asshat. Of course when we first broke up, I feared my life without him because he had me under his mind control that I was nothing without him. But once I realized I deserve better, that fear was gone. I felt relieved. But the fear I am talking about is the fear of what he is capable of. The "what ifs" and reflecting on the past and seeing the truth of what he did. I see the same type of car he owns in traffic and my heart drops. I constantly check my surroundings. I always lock my door, even if I am just running inside to get something. If I am alone at a store or something I am constantly scanning the area. I purposely avoid places I know he frequents. 

It's not just me who is ridden with fear. My parents who live 2 states away are always worried for me. They get "bad feelings" and text and call me to make sure I am safe. My boyfriend is extremely cautious and very protective and he is constantly scanning for any signs of this guy. If I need something from my car late at night, my boyfriend doesn't even give me the option of going downstairs for it myself. He doesn't want to chance anything. He makes me feel safe, and for that, I can't thank him enough.

I have recently realized that I cannot let this Asshat control my life. I thought about deleting my FB page because he kept friend requesting me under different profiles. His friends were sending me messages about what a bad person I was because I would not accept him back into my life. His friend made up lies about me and broadcasted them to Asshat and the internet. But why am I going to let him control what I do? I did that for far too long. No more of that- I am done being a puppet. I am done hiding. If I am happy, why can't I let that be known? If I am in a loving, healthy relationship, why should I hide it? I shouldn't. And I am not doing that anymore. No more fear. No more regrets. I am not living my life hiding from my past abuser. There's a difference in being cautious and being fearful. And I am DONE with living in fear. 

Some words for thought- this is exactly how I used to feel. No more fear! Recognize the signs of being emotionally abused. You CAN get out. 💚