This blog won't be entirely solemn. I DO love to joke around and use humor. And I do love to share the crazy sh!t my son says and I am sure I will want to rave about the amazing man in my life and share the hilarious things he says as well. Let's face it- I always tend to find crazy people around town. There's always a good story to be told!
However, my main purpose in starting a blog again is to tell my story and put it all out there on the line. I did not realize I was experiencing abuse until it was almost too late. It traumatized me in many ways. It traumatized my son. It even traumatized my parents and close friends. I have scars, but I have finally realized I am a strong person and I can live my life without fear.
"There's More to Me Than You"- a great song by Jessica Andrews. The story of my escape from the flaws of being emotionally abused. Physical abuse leaves visible scars and it's a horrible thing to go through. I wish it upon no one. Sexual abuse is a bit more hidden, but also has visible marks of abuse. Emotional abuse- what I experienced for over a year- is a little harder for others to detect. There are no visible marks. Only gut wrenching blows to your self esteem and mental health.
"I spent years and all of this time thinking I was better off cause you were mine. You always said it was your way or the highway."
I went into this relationship thinking this man was Prince Effin' Charming. Little did I know he was manipulating me and getting to know me well so he knew HOW to abuse me. He took me on trips, made huge romantic gestures, brought me flowers, bought jewelry, promised me forever, held me high above any other person in his life, got close with my family and friends, and just seemed perfect. How far from the truth. This was the process of "grooming" me for my insecurities and vulnerabilities so he could prey on me and attack me later.
"I'm not saying I'm battered and bruised, but I might as well be with the words you used. I believe in myself- and that makes me stronger!"
After we were in a relationship for a few months, the abuse started. We would get in an argument that he created out of something small and he would blame me and ignore me for days on end. "You are a bad person, Kristin"... "You did this, not me"... "I can't trust you because of what you did"... "You don't give a crap about your son"... "You are a bad mother"... "You are a liar"... "This is all your fault"..."No one will believe you bc I have integrity and you don't"...
I remember one specific incident where I was taking care of his dogs while he picked his kids up from their mom. The dogs would not go #2 even after I took them out several times. So after dinner that night we came back to his apartment with all three of our kids and the one dog had pooped in his crate. He screamed at me that I could not be trusted and I was a liar and I didn't give a sh!t about him. He did this in front of all three young children. I told him I would help him clean it up and he screamed at me even more. I took my son and left, but before I did- he told me I was a bad person and as I walked out the door, his daughter gave me a hug and told me not to be scared. How sad is that? I would always beg and plead with him to forgive me, even when it wasn't my fault.
"There was always something that meant more to you than me. And I'm just sorry it's taken this for you to see"
We broke up several times over the course of a year. I was constantly finding sexual texts from other women and he would have a story to back up why it wasn't cheating. Then he would blame me and say it was my fault bc I shouldn't have been looking at his phone. I can't tell you the crazy stories he told me and not laugh looking back on how I believed them! He was hateful with his words, even calling my mother and threatening her. He told me I deserved to be spoken to in a condescending manner. He said no one would ever treat me right bc I did not deserve to be treated right. He withdrew himself from me and was downright mean to me. Very hateful and very cynical. He was always accusing me of cheating on him when I didn't even have a single thought about cheating on my brain. Now I look back and see that he was paranoid bc he was actually cheating on me. On September 17 this year, after we had been broken up for a while, I found out via the news that he had been arrested for first degree sexual assault against a women he met on Craigslist. Seriously?? There he was in the pink button up Ralph Lauren shirt that my parents bought him for Christmas- his mugshot all over the news. What. the. freak. I got called in to talk to the detective and victims advocate. I found out the past year I had been with him, he had been with countless other women he met online doing disgusting sexual acts with them. I was sick to my stomach. He lied about so much to me and it took him being arrested for the truth to come out. He lied to his friends about me. Told them terrible things that were nowhere near the truth. It was an eye opener. I actually felt relieved. I wasn't crazy- he actually did abuse me. I was NOT a bad person. But the thought lingered in my head... Why wasn't I good enough for him?!
Here's the truth- I AM better than that. It has taken me so long to realize that but I am. I did not deserve that. I did nothing to deserve to be spoken to like. It could have very easily escalated into physical and it sexual abuse, which it almost did once or twice. I was brainwashed. I held him on a pedestal. He was almost like a God to me. He made himself into an idol and expected me to worship him. When I recognized his BS and called him out, he fought back with fire. I was scared of him. But not any more- I am free. I am happy. I am relieved.
My hope is that someone can read this first entry and decide to follow me because I am giving them hope that they CAN get out of a bad situation. You CAN get out. You don't deserve that. And it's not always women- men can be emotionally abused too! Please feel free to comment or email or ask questions. I am here for anyone who needs to talk.
Until tomorrow... 🎶
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