Sorry, Not Sorry

I was at work last week when my phone beeped that I had an email. I glanced down at it and I nearly fell out my chair.

It was from Asshat. The subject line? "two things I thought I owed you". 

The basic message he was sending in the email was "I'm sorry for how I treated you. I have changed since I was jailed. I was wrong. Thank you for helping me be a better man. I will always have a special place in my heart for you and Luke. But you always did wrong and you're acting like a victim when you're not and its pathetic and sad that you play the victim card"

I wanted to write about this because this is exactly why a narcissistic sociopath will NEVER be sorry or change his or her ways. He or she will constantly find a way to blame you for their behavior, even long after you are gone from their life. He had a semi-valid apology going until he found a way to blame me for his behavior. 

I laughed and deleted the email. But before I deleted it, I showed my boyfriend and my parents.. I sent it to some of my girlfriends. Everyone said the same thing- he is a sociopath. The sad part is... He will have more victims in the future. He will do this same thing to other women. I want to reach out and help them but I can't. I can't save the world. I can't warn every woman he comes in contact with. I can't let them all know to jump ship before they drown in his abuse. It's sad but other women will continue to go through what I did with him. Breaks my heart for them.

What I can do is be at peace with the fact that I am not being abused any more. I know now I do not have to subject myself to that kind of behavior to be loved by a man. I know now that I deserve so much better. I have a healthy, beautiful relationship. The happiness and pure joy I get from life is something I never thought I'd have. It feels amazing to be free and loved. I'm not sorry that I am happy- I will never apologize for my happiness.

Mama Bears Don't Play

I was approached by a colleague to speak about my experience with domestic violence. I would love to help others by sharing my story. I am no longer "ashamed"- I know I did nothing to deserve the abuse I endured. So therefore, I will do whatever it takes to help others realize that too. I was asked what the worst thing Asshat did to me was. I could think of several different situations, but then the most horrible thing he did came to mind. The thing that literally makes me sick to my stomach. I cringe and turn red and want to punch a wall whenever I think of it.... It was the way he abused my son. 

My son was 1 when I met Asshat. Still a sweet, innocent baby. He had no clue why his daddy didn't pay him a lot of attention at the time, so he got really close with Asshat. I thought it was so sweet the way Asshat treated Luke. But I was wrong- it was a show. A gimmick. False, fake behavior. I will say, I truly believe he did love Luke. At least for a small amount of time. But the way he treated him should have been enough to make me leave way before I did. 

Luke was a very picky eater. Asshats solution was to shove food down his throat and force him to eat until he choked/gagged on whatever it was. And yell at him while doing it. He said he had to do it to his kids and they learned to eat. I begged him to stop, and he would stop eventually.. but he would become mad at me and tell me I was not parenting him right. He would tell me I did not give a sh!t about my son. And God forbid if Luke ever hid the food in his cheeks- Asshat would spank him so hard that his feet came off the ground. It made me sick to my stomach and every time I mentioned how I didn't want him to do that to Luke, he would get an attitude with me. He said he knew better because he was a parent longer than me. And I foolishly believed him. 

Flash forward to our "family" vacation with the kids. He was constantly having to correct his son and to be completely honest, his son had no desire to listen to him. Wherever we went that week, Luke was super sweet and polite and people constantly commented on what a good boy he was. It made me very proud because I knew he learned manners from me and I know he is a sweet little guy. This really pissed Asshat off. The fact that we got comments on how polite LUCAS was, but his kids didn't get compliments. Well.. That definitely says something, don't Ya think? He never outright said anything to me, but I know it made him angry. 

He constantly told me what a horrible job I was doing parenting my son, but the truth was he had no clue how to effectively parent his own children. I know I am a damn good mother and I put Luke above everything else in my life. I would do anything for him and I will always be here for him- he is my world. Watching him decompress from the abuse Asshat put him through too has been rough. I blame myself a lot, but I am finally letting myself off the hook. A few months ago, he finally got to the point where he wasn't scared to eat chicken and other meats (that's usually what Asshat shoved down his throat). My boyfriend has been AMAZING in supporting Luke in his eating habits. He is gentle and helps me encourage Luke to eat new things but never forces anything on him. It's so great to not have to worry about dinner time. 

Last summer when Asshat and I broke up, I told Luke that he would not be seeing him or his kids anymore. And honestly, I don't think he understood. He said "otay Mama" and went on with his playing. So after Asshat was arrested for his sexcapades on CL, I kept Luke away from media outlets because I didn't want him to see his picture everywhere. One night, Luke got on my phone and saw the mugshot while I was in the bathroom. He pointed to it and said his name. I nodded and said "Yes, he had to go in a woo woo car to jail. He was a bad boy". Luke took my breath away- he said "He hurt my Mommy. Mommy cried. He is mean to my Mommy. I no like him. He is a bad bad boy!"... And from that day forward, there was no mention of him ever again. Except one time he told The Boyfriend that he was scared to eat chicken because of Asshat. Boyfriend was so gentle- he explained that he wasn't going to hurt him and that chicken was yummy and he needed to take "sharky bites" so he doesn't choke. Now, Luke loves chicken. He doesn't ask about Asshat or his kids. I am so glad he was young enough to not remember much. But he is smart. He is very very smart and he obviously knew the damage Asshat did to both of us. For that, my heart aches.

After all the shitty things he did to me, the mind games, cheating, abuse, and degrading behavior... The worst thing he ever did was hurt my son. I blame myself.  I have days where I want to bang my head against a wall. I look back and want to know why I allowed it to happen. When I did tell him to stop and removed us from the situation to avoid him hurting Luke more, he would always reel me back in. He did nice things for Luke. His kids adored Luke. I think that's why I always went back. It took me a while to allow The Boyfriend to be around Luke. I was nervous and I didn't want him to be hurt again. I sit here and watch them interact, and I know in my heart that my boyfriend absolutely loves LUCAS like he's his own son. The way he interacts with Luke is amazing. He is respectful to Lucas's dad and they get along well. Mama bears don't play- and I will never allow myself or my son to be in a situation like that again. 

Be a Man

I am going to venture into a topic that may be kind of sensitive for men, but it's something that is overlooked and unfortunately, very true. Do yall realize that emotional and verbal abuse happens to men, as well? It does. I am a victim- a survivor- of being emotionally abused by a master manipulator. I had no clue it really happened to men as much as it does to women. But it does- and by some strange twist of fate, the man I gave my heart to after I left my abuser was one of these men who was emotionally abused. 

I have never ever heard about a woman as terrible as TC (the name we have for his ex wife. I won't post what it stands for, use your imagination). My boyfriend is very honest and open- he has told me all the "bad" things he did in his marriage to her and how he left when he had enough of her abuse. And by "bad", I mean he had to stand up for himself when she degraded him- he said he would purposely stay out after work at the bookstore to avoid having to go home to hear her degrade him. He wasn't the best husband to her, but he has always been a very good man- and is still a wonderful man. The things she said to him and did behind his back are enough to make any person cringe. He was choking on food one time and she refused to take him to the ER or help him. She degraded his appearance. She accused him of being gay after his battle with testicular cancer. When he found out he was going to need surgery, she didn't ask him if he was okay and comfort him- she blamed it on him and cried that she would never have kids. She constantly got drunk and would degrade him. They ended up having twins through in vitro, and I will not stoop low and speak about her as a mother on here. That's not my place. I will say that the way she treats their father is not okay and the way she purposely keeps their children from him is disgusting. He is an excellent father- they adore him and get very upset when they have to leave him. 

Even though they split up 2 years ago, this woman is still bitter and manipulates everyone around her to think he is horrible. She constantly lies about him and makes herself out to be the victim. Most recently, she contacted his mother and was slick enough to turn his mother against him. She is running a "smear campaign" to try to ruin his name. It's actually quite disgusting that she feels the need to do this. In addition to all the stuff she does to him, she also has sent friends to stalk ME. I had a woman approach me in a public parking lot saying that she recognized me from the pictures she had seen of me and that TC had asked her to do a "background check" on me. This woman is insane.

I have had to work through some issues because of the mark my abuser left on me. I would flip out and think my boyfriend would harass me and degrade me because I accidentally washed his thumb drive with his jeans. That is something Asshat would've done and I would have suffered days of isolation and silent treatment followed by degradement and "You're lucky I even want to be with you after what you did".... But no- my sweet boyfriend laughed and told me it was  okay. He held me close as I cried and told me he would never hurt me like that. I still flipped out because it's a habit to assume I would be ridiculed for my mistakes. However, with his assurance and love, I have realized that is not normal and he will not act that way. It's the same way with him- there are certain times where he expects me to scream and yell at him and get angry. But that's not acceptable and I would never treat him that way. He needs the same time of assurance and love that he gives me- and I try my hardest to show him that every single day. I leave him notes in his wallet to find as he gets ready for work- "You are so handsome, I am the luckiest woman to have your love. I love you so very much xoxo Kris"... I know what I need to help me get past the scars Asshat left on me, so I use those same tactics to help him get over the marks TC left on him. 

Yes, men can be emotionally abused too. Yes, it's "taboo" because men are supposed to be stronger than women. No, it does NOT make them any less of a man. In fact, a man leaving an abusive situation is a bigger man. No one- man or woman- deserves to be abused. TC blames him for leaving her and their kids. She tells people a real man wouldn't do that. She couldn't be more wrong- a REAL man did leave her. And that man did it for all the right reasons- the benefit of their kids, his mental and physical well being, and for his damaged heart. I am here to tell you I treasure him so very much. He has brought hope, love, light, and extreme happiness into my life. He is one of the brightest parts of my life and I am blessed to get to love his healing heart. Men, there is hope for you. I promise- love is respectful, not hateful. There is no shame in leaving- Only regret if you choose to stay. 

New Year, New Life

Happy New Year to anyone who is reading this! I am confident that this year will be amazing and bring wonderful things. It's already started off on a much better note- I got to spend NYE on the couch cuddling with two main guys! My gorgeous son and handsome boyfriend. I wouldn't have wanted to be with anyone else. It was particularly nice not to be yelled at when the clock struck midnight. Last year, Asshat yelled at me about stupid stuff he made up to make me feel bad. I spent half the night crying and begging for him to forgive me. Ha- not anymore. I have an amazing, healthy relationship that never makes me feel like I am going to have a panic attack. That's why I KNOW this year is going to be amazing. Who knows... Maybe there will be a wedding if things work out the way they should... ❤️❤️❤️

I also have amazing news to share since I have not blogged in a while. I went in for my first papsmear after my last surgery for cervical cancer/HPV and my pap was clean!!! 😃😃😃😃 To make a long story short- I was completely clean before I met Asshat. I never slept around. Never had an irregular pap my whole life. Then, that changed once I started dating him. I went for my yearly papsmear and it came back irregular. When the doctor said I had HPV and he needed to do a biopsy, I was shocked. I had only been with Asshat. How could this have happened? Never mind the fact Asshat was sketchy with texts from random chicks and all, he still blamed me and accused me of cheating. He hounded me and abandoned me when I needed him the most. The day I found out I did have cervical cancer, I called him and he told me he couldn't be with me anymore because my parents and him didn't get along and he knew my mom would want to be by my side. He completely jumped ship. He continued to blame me and even made me feel bad because he said he had to go to the doctor to get checked himself. Swore to me he hadn't been with anyone else. Flash forward to several months after our breakup- he is arrested for his sexcapades on Craigslist. He was all over the local news. He was accused of raping a woman he met on CL, but was later dropped of all his charges because the woman lied about some of it. I was asked to speak to the detectives and a private investigator. Through answering their questions, I found out he had been sleeping with countless other women he met online the entire duration of our relationship. I was disgusted and hurt. How dare he accuse ME of being unfaithful when he was the one doing it behind my back? I went to see him in jail and he admitted he had been unfaithful to me and lied about so much I thought I knew about him.  Essentially, his dirty habit gave me cancer. How dare he. While I am having surgery and treatments and suffering, he is out having sex with random dirty women he meets on Craigslist. Seriously, made me get sick. Not only is he emotionally manipulative- he is twisted sexually too. 

So many friends and family members have told me to sue him for my medical bills. I have thousands of dollars of medical bills that I am paying on right now. However, he is out of my life and I don't want to give him any chance to get back in. I will pay my bills and smile knowing that I am a survivor in so many ways. It's a new year, a new life- I am so blessed to get to start over again with an optimistic perspective on life.

The First Time

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I am so happy to be able to travel home tomorrow to spend time with my parents. The past year has been very hard for us- Asshat always tried to get me to stop talking to them. He told me they were manipulating me. He also cussed my mom out several times. It's so nice to be able to go home and spend time with my parents and the man I love. I no longer have to stress and worry about "splitting time" and making someone mad. It's such a relief. I am thankful for no longer being emotionally abused and for a family who has always been there for me. I am also thankful for a sweet, handsome boyfriend who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. 

Last year on Thanksgiving, I gave up going to Chicago to see my brother and his girlfriend with my parents to stay home with Asshat and his kids. What a terrible decision. That was the first time I saw his true colors- his manipulative behavior. The violence he was truly capable of. I will never forget how he made me feel so awful and how hard I cried the first time he abused me. It's something I try to get out of my mind but it will always be a part of my memory. It truly scared me and was the first warning flag I saw with my own eyes.

I was trying to plan something special for his birthday while his kids were in town. I had taken them out earlier in the week and we bought him a bunch of birthday presents and crafts to make him homemade presents. He had claimed his ex wife never bought him a present the whole time they were together so I was determined to make it a good birthday. On Thanksgiving morning, I asked him in a very silly manner if I could please borrow his kids for an hour or so to do a "secret birthday mission". He asked why and used a joking tone with me. I said, jokingly, "Nunya business!"... He snapped. Gave me a dirty look and pressed his lips together. He came at me with a "knife hand" and whispered under his breath away from the kids that I had no right speaking to him that way in front of his children and I was teaching them bad habits. I was a bad role model and I needed to get the eff out of his apartment. He came within inches of my face and screamed at me to leave. I was so caught off guard and upset that I started crying and told him to never speak to me that way again. I slammed the door and left. I remember crying under my breath and saying "I don't deserve to be treated this way!" while walking back to my apartment. I was halfway there and he followed me out. I heard him scream at me- "You're just gonna leave? Don't you dare slam the door in front of my children like that! You are so immature! You DO deserve to be spoken to like that! You will not treat us poorly! You are a bad role model!"... I was completely and utterly at a loss for words. How was this my fault? Somehow, something inside me was so fearful of him that I begged for him to forgive me. I literally remember being so upset that I made myself throw up. I will never forget that day and how horrible I felt. I was alone on a holiday. I remember how I called my parents and wished I was in Chicago freezing my ass off with them rather than faking happiness with this horrible man and his fake family. We ended up going to his brothers house and his attitude with me continued. It was absolutely ridiculous. In the back of my mind, I remember thinking it wasn't normal but I can't tell you why I continued to put up with it. Before bed that night, I remember he wouldn't even kiss me goodnight before I went back to my apartment. He just kind of side hugged me and that was that. He didn't tell me he loved me and he didn't seem to care he was hurting me. I remember crying myself to sleep and blaming myself. I put every ounce of blame on myself, when every ounce should have been on him.

I am happy to say that's not the case anymore. My eyes have been opened and I know it's not normal to withdraw love and affection- that is a major emotional abuse tactic. What he did to me last year at this time was a HUGE red flag. I should have left then, but unfortunately I stayed and experienced the worst of it. I got out before I was completely broken and I thank God for the strength he gave me to do that. I can't change the past, but I do know that I can make sure it never happens in the future. 

Habits

Everyone has bad habits. Don't even sit there and lie to yourself because it's true! Some people bite their nails. Some people procrastinate. Some people are bad about washing dishes. (By "some people" I miiight be referring to myself).

There are also behavioral habits that are harder to break. Last night, I learned I have an extremely horrible habit that I picked up during my time with Asshat. I also was reassured I have a wonderful man in my life who is patient and kind and extremely loving.

The Boyfriend went to his house to download some programs for his computer and to update our new iPad. I decided to throw some laundry in and put his jeans in the washing machine. No biggie, I love doing nice things for him.

I texted him that I was doing laundry and he asks if I checked his pockets because his thumb drive was in his pocket. I flipped out and ran to the washing machine and tried to find it. I didn't feel anything. I finally was able to pull his jeans out and to my horror, his headphones, cash, and flash drive were all soaking wet in his pocket. I felt like an idiot! I should have checked his pockets before throwing his jeans in the wash.

I don't know why I expected him to scream and yell and degrade me, because that's NOT his personality at all, but I expected it to happen because that's the way Asshat was when I made mistakes. I would get degraded. Silent treatment. He would guilt trip me. It was heart wrenching. I would have panic attacks. 

I was so upset, I started hyperventilating and crying. The Boyfriend could sense in my texts that I was upset and he called and calmed me down. He sounded shocked that I was so upset. But he assured me it was okay and that he wasn't Asshat. "I would never treat you that way. You are safe with me and will be loved no matter what"... Wow. I am so lucky to find love after being hurt the way I was. So incredibly lucky.

Habits are hard to break but I know with the right people loving me, I will be able to break those terrible habits and be able to be completely free. It's nice to not have a breakdown when you make mistakes. 

Pretty Little Mustang

My boyfriend brought something to my attention last week. He said each time I really open up about Asshat, new information comes up and it's like I am remembering things that happened that I had forgotten. It's true- he will ask me a question and I will remember situations that happened as I answer his questions. It's insane.

One thing that really bothers me is the way Asshat made me feel about myself. Manipulators, emotional abusers, narcissists... They all know exactly how to get to your most vulnerable spots. For me, that's my role as a mom and my self-confidence.

 I used to be very happy with myself and very confident. Flash back 10 years ago when i graduated high school... I was a young, 17 (almost 18) year old girl. I was a size 6. I was on top of my game as a musician. I got a lot of attention from guys. I had a group of friends who were amazing (still to this day! Love you guys!). I had two friends in particular who I would  go out with on hot summer nights and we would "cruise" around town in her Wrangler. Y'all, we were a hot mess! I flirted my ass off with guys who were already in college or older. I was confident with my looks and my life. I had no worries. I never have been the kind of girl who "hooks up". I would flirt harmlessly and maybe kiss a few guys. Some guys thought this was a tease, but better to be a tease than a whore. I never thought to let a man dictate my self worth at that point in my life. 

Flash forward to my marriage. My ex husband is a decent guy. He's the father of my son, so I will not talk badly about him. However, he made me feel very bad about my image. He liked blonde hair and blue eyes- so I went out and got highlights and blue contacts. When I had Lucas, I gained a lot of weight. I became very self-conscious and insecure- my husband was literally not attracted to me anymore. I wanted to pursue music and he said it was a waste of time and money. He didn't support my passion for music and laughed at me. Nothing I did was ever okay and I would never be pretty again.

Flash forward to Asshat. He made me believe I was beautiful to capture me. Then, he turned.  I do not get a lot of male attention and if I do, I honestly don't pay it attention or realize it for what it is. Maybe that's a result of being insecure, but it's true. One time, I was at the post office mailing Christmas presents. A photographer behind me struck up conversation with me and he said "you have a beautiful jaw line and beautiful eyes. Your hair is gorgeous. Would you ever let me photograph you for some promotional material?".... I was flattered but kind of embarrassed by it. I came home and told Asshat. "You are lying, Kristin. That didn't really happen.".... Seriously? He continued to badger me about it and ask why I lied about it. I didn't lie about it- it truly happened. He made a big production out of it and said that no one just says that to strangers and why would anyone say that to me. It really made me feel crazy and ugly. 

Another time, an older man in Starbucks approached me and said "I bet I know exactly where you're from by your accent"... We struck up a conversation and I found out he was a professor and studied dialects. He was spot on- he guessed an Eastern TN accent which makes sense since I picked up this southern drawl I have while I was at Appalachian State. He said "Beautiful accent for a beautiful lady. Have a nice day!" and left after paying for my coffee. It really made my day! I told Asshat about it thinking how cool it was that he picked up my accent. Asshat got pissed and acussed me of lying. As if I am not capable of being told I am pretty or people thinking I am approachable and kind. It literally made me feel like a crazy person. It made me feel so freakin' ugly and unwanted. I felt like I had to apologize to him. I told him I lied just to get him to stop hounding me about it. What a shitty situation. 

It's still hard for me to accept that I AM beautiful, but I know I am. I am not a super model by any means, but I am me and if that's not enough for someone who loves me, they truly don't love me. I don't need layers of makeup or trendy clothes to be beautiful. 

He really did a lot of damage to my self esteem. But even though the damage leaves scars, I am choosing to ignore the scars and be the best version of myself I can be. Hurtful things he said to me come back to haunt me at times, but they are in the past. I have a beautiful future to look forward to. No sense in harping over harsh words that mean nothing now. My past is in my past. 

"Go on and light up the dark just like a firefly

Drop every jaw in the room when you walk by
Only like the sky owns the stars and the moon
Make them all breathlessly want more and more of you...
So, put the top down on your pretty little mustang
Oh, drive it like you stole it, like you're making a getaway
Making heads turn, making hearts spin, flying like the wild wind
Yeah, your pretty little mustang"

(Mickey Guyton)

I love the message this song sends. Be beautiful, be happy, be confident. Those are all things I was stripped of last year and the majority of this year. I am glad to say that I was able to get those things back, but it's still a process. Some days, I get down on myself and I have to remind myself I am beautiful. Some days I am not very confident. But then I remind myself I can do whatever I put my mind to. It's a healing process, but it's getting better every day. 

To anyone reading this who can relate, please know that it's not normal for someone to treat you like that. It took me a long time to realize that. You are better than that.